On New Years Eve of 2008, I met a guy I would eventually fall in love with.
Ninety days later, he left the country.
This blog is both an online diary of the thirty9 weeks until I see him again
& a recollection of the events that created 'us'.
A running commentary on a long distance relationship friendship.


A failed relationship - documented.
The final installment of 'Our Story' was never written & I doubt it ever will be.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The End.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Girl

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

Sia

Response

Pardon me? I don’t really know where to start.

Firstly, ‘you’ve decided to leave me’? Haha, good on ya. You’re on the other side of the planet, and you were never really ‘with’ me in the first place. I can’t remember when I gave up on there ever being an ‘us’.

Secondly, “You don’t need me”. You’re right. I don’t. And, newsflash, I never did. I am quite ok on my own. I liked you, I enjoyed your company, I could see what you could have become and I wanted to be there for that. But I didn’t need you. Not then, not now, not ever.

In regards to the "needyness, constant need for communication, lack of trust, self centredness and insecurities" I have two words. Fuck. you. Just as an FYI, if you ever get another girl friend, even in the same country, they will have these as well. Long distance relationships require communication because that’s all there is holding it together, something you clearly didn’t understand. I was never self centred, if anything, I was so concerned about you, I forgot my own mental health, which you totally screwed up, by the way. I could point the finger right back at you, but you know what… I’m sure you’re WELL aware of your own problems.

Seeing as you said it, and I didn’t, “I’m the reason you are who you are today”. Remember the person you were in December 08? Remember the person you were at the end of March 09? I don’t know what happened to either of them. I had something to do with the March version of you…but this you? I don’t know him, and I don’t like him.

Did you forget that you messaged me in the first place? Were you drunk? That’s usually the reason you’ll send me a text, cause when you’re wasted, money doesn’t mean anything. When you need me, THEN it’s ok to spend money… This was your message

{ Iv just spent the nyt watching BMX dvds, porn and drinking vodka, im sliping Liv. I spend each day dreaming about how id like to look, feel and act that [broken message] [broken message] }

You sent that Wednesday night. I didn’t get it until Friday. When I read that, I panicked, because for some God known reason, I still gave a shit about you. I’d already told myself I wasn’t going to waste my time, but I cared, so I texted.

{ Ok, msg or email when you get up and I’ll call. If you don’t respond to me at all, you won’t hear from me again. No excuses ok? I’m not being funny, if you fuck me round, that’ll be it. I’m worried and you need to talk to me. }

Yes, I was two days late, but I didn’t realise that til after I’d sent the message. I shouldn’t have rung. I should have left it. I didn’t call you because I ‘needed communication or was being self centred’, I rang because I was worried and I wanted to know if you were ok. Just remember you messaged me first, I was responding. Not that you’d know what a ‘response’ was.

Hrm, what else… “Everything you became because of me has turned around and bitten me in the arse”. Kinda like the dog biting the hand that feeds it hey?

Oh, of course. Remember when you said you wanted us to be honest with each other? Did you forget? I don’t think you were ever honest with me. Because, that would require communication wouldn’t it? Grow up, seriously, learn to talk to someone instead of waiting for a text, not responding and not picking up your phone. It’s pathetic. It would have been over earlier & I wouldn’t have had to waste my time. Grow some balls, man up and stop being such a girl.

Last thing don’t you dare, ever, treat another girl the way you treated me. I gave you so much of me, and you gave me nothing. Absolutely zip.

This is the end of a chapter AND this is good bye.

& just because I've been SO civil and nice through all the bullshit you put me through.

FUCK. YOU.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Twenty2 Weeks

Friday, July 24, 2009

Replied. 24/07/09 22:51

wow.

I wasn't needy at all actually. I was concerned about you. The message you sent got me worried about you.

What did you expect me to do when you sent me a text like that Olie? Seriously.

We haven't been together for a while. It wasn't working so I let you be. I let you email when you saw fit & replied accordingly. I *thought* I was doing the right thing.

Don't assume you know what's going on, because you clearly don't.


22:51
how FUCKING dare you.

23:03
oh, and have the balls to fucking talk to me.

Yeah, I'm hurt. Yeah, I'm pissed off. Yeah, it's your fault.

24-07-2009 22:47

Iv just about had enough of all this "you need to ring me, you need to talk to me it will make you feel better" since when did you know what was best for me.

look you text me and said that if I didnt get in touch with you that would be the end of use so I didnt get in touch with you yeh but that doesnt seem to have worked.

I cant, wont and dont want to keep doing this.

The needyness, costant need for comunication, lack of trust, self centred ness and insecurities are all getting far to much.

Iv decided to leave you.

Everything I became because of you has turned around and bitten you in the arse.

Im still not there, still growing, still making myself into the person I wana be and your exactly what I dont need to carry on getting there.

You dont need me and as much as I keep telling myself I do, I dont need you.

Your the reason I am who I am today and you could argue that I wouldnt even be here if it wasnt for you but that isnt a good enough reason to keep use together.

Ill always love you for the ways in which you helped me and I fucking mean that.

This isnt goodbye I hope just the end of a sertain chapter of are lives.

X

So, now what?

What the hell did you expect when you sent me that text? What did you want me to say? What did you want me to do? What did you expect from me?

Half the message was missing anyways but for God's sake, of course i'm gonna fucking worry. You sound like you're falling apart.

You KNOW I care. You shouldn't have any doubt about that. So when I say pick up the phone. Pick. Up. The. Fucking. Phone.

How dare you treat me like that! I'm not an object sitting on the other side of the world just waiting for you to fall apart. If you send me a text like that you better be fucking ready to tell me what's going on.

I am a person, you seem to have forgotten. I am affected when you don't contact me for ages. I am affected when you do.

Stop fucking hurting me.
YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER!

i finally convinced myself I was moving on and that you can sort your own shit out & you send me a text like that. what the fuck am i supposed to do?!

YOU'RE the one that said I can't help REMEMBER!? so I should leave it alone - that's what you said. So why am I the person you come to when things get fucked up. WHAT THE HELL!?

So of course I messaged back, as expected. Of course I'm worried. Of course I'm going to call. I should never have said anything. I should never have done anything.

I feel physically sick.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

To the rest of you

Quit snooping. If you want to know what's going on, ask.

To you - I'm done. Until you figure out what you want and when you're going to do something about it

Nup. scrub that. I'm done. The end. Finito. I will not wait around for you to sort your shit out like a little puppy that follows you around. That's not me. I am SO much tougher than that. & to be honest, I am so much BETTER than that.

I don't know if I'll see you in January. I don't know if you will email me. I don't know if you will care that I'm no longer emailing, or you can no longer see this. But from now on? I don't care.

I'm looking out for me. Cause clearly you aren't even thinking twice about the impact your actions will have on me. So fuck it all.

There's me. & me. This is no longer 39 weeks. This is my personal diary, that will have nothing to do with you.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Iv just spent the nyt watching BMX dvds, porn and drinking vodka, im sliping Liv. I spend each day dreaming about how id like to look, feel and act that [broken message] [broken message]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I've thought about this for a while, but if this is to be a diary of sorts, I should probably document it.

[edit] I've learned that nothing on here is set in stone. Just because it's written down for 'the world' to see, doesn't mean it will happen & it doesn't mean I have to stick to it. I am allowed to change my mind. This diary is for me, I'm not accountable to anyone with this. My thoughts are my own. They call it 'intellectual property', though there doesn't seem to be too much that's 'intellectual' about this at all. [/edit]

You see, I had three weeks set aside to spend with him in January. My parents leave at the end of December and I don't fly back til mid-January.

I no longer know what to do with those three weeks. Do I still spend them with him? Do I see him, but maybe for not quite so long? Do I make other plans altogether? What does he want to do?

It's all up in the air. I'll work it out eventually. Maybe, it's time to reacquaint myself with old friends in that corner of the world...
fucking talk to me.
=\

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Twenty3 Weeks

Holy crap time is speeding by!!! Before I know it, we'll be in the teens of weeks, then I'll be in Europe, then it'll be Christmas and seeing you will be only days away.

I better start saving me some money =S damn house.

X

Saturday, July 18, 2009

someone else wrote this.

Sometimes I feel as if this is one sided, you know?

If you left me I’d chase after you right away.

But if I left you, I don’t know if you would come after me…

Sometimes I just want to run to see if you would.

You have too much control.
Seeing you makes me smile.
Hearing your voice melts my insides.
I've forgiven you.
Again.

I hate you, for doing that to me.
I hate me, for letting you.
I would like to talk to you. Just to hear your voice. I really would.

I'm not going to do anything about it. But I wish I could.

I miss what we had. I know things change and I need to let go. But it's true.

I'm ok really, my emotions are just all over the place. Some days I love you, others I hate you, I'll miss you in the morning but not care in the evening. Some days I'll hardly even think about it, and then others it's the only thing on my mind. There is no rest.

[edit] You were on my mind all day today. It was hard to not message, to not ask if you wanted to chat/skype/something. I miss you like fuck. I know I can't let it go back to the way it was, because it's not healthy for either of us, but still...GOD I wish you were here right now.[/edit]

There's nothing certain about this. I don't like it much. I'm dealing with it. I'm ok. Really.

X

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hillarys - Take 2 : Part Two

We lay there on the grass, listening to the music, watching the sunset. I’d had the camera out, taking advantage of the palm tree framed sunset. The evening crept up on us and it got cold. I was ok for the most part; he on the other hand, wasn’t coping so well. I’d brought a short coat, which I offered, half in jest but I wasn’t that surprised when he accepted. He looked rather comical in the red coat, not that either of us cared; at least he was warm.

After a while, as he took it off he said, “I thought you would have wanted to get a photo”. Being the photo crazy person I am, he was surprised I hadn’t pulled out the camera the moment he put it on. What surprised me was how accepting he was of having his picture taken. When I first met him and until now he would turn away or hide his face from the camera. This night, he put the jacket back on and even posed for the photos. It was very good progress in my eyes. It also meant I didn’t feel quite so awkward about taking his photo.

We lay there, just listening to music for a little while; it was so comfortable to just be together, not having to say anything. I turned to watch him; he looked so peaceful and happy. I had to get a photo of that moment; I didn’t care if he thought I was weird, ok maybe I cared a little but not enough to stop me. I got the camera out, but he’d felt the movement and he was looking at me, laughing as I took the picture. It wasn’t the photo I planned but it’s one of my favourites. It’s an honest, pure laugh, written all over his face. I made him close his eyes again, to ignore me. He did as he was told and let me capture the moment; just as perfect as before.

We were laying on our stomachs, facing away from the water. Each time I looked over, it was so obvious how cold he was. He was holding his arms underneath his body to try to keep warm. The only thought running through my head was how much I wanted to get right next to him, and put my arm around him. To use our body heat to keep us warm. The next thought that followed was the one I hated, "You shouldn't. You can't let him get attached remember?" Sometimes I wish I could have just turned my conscious off. I made do by putting my forearm right next to his, it sounds as lame as it was. He was cold!! What's a girl to do? Lo and behold, our arms got warmer. After my a while he hadn't moved or commented and I started to feel a little foolish, so I moved my arm back. Move made, not returned. Oh well.

The sun having made it’s way behind the boats in the harbour and the cold finally getting to us, we decided to leave. We weren’t really dressed to head out for the evening and I don’t think we were in the mood either. We came to the conclusion to head to my house. It was comfortable, effortless, besides, I’d managed to do a lot more work on the place and I wanted to show it off. The new carpets had been laid, the flooring was on its way to being finished in the living areas and some of the furniture was beginning to make itself at home.

We sat on the bed in the spare room, big enough for both of us to sit on and not be too close. It was my turn to show him the kind of music I was into, nothing quite so different as Dubstep. I remember being self-conscious, like I was exposing a part of myself that I hadn’t shown before. I actually cared what he thought, like he wouldn’t want to hang out with me because of my taste in music. It is as ridiculous as it sounds, but I wanted to make a good impression. The only song I recall sharing was ‘Do You Wanna’ by The Kooks. Being a ‘word person’, the songs I like generally have lyrics I can identify with. It’s not just about the music for me; the story within it has to mean something too. The lyrics are innocently explicit and the sound holds a lot of attitude. It really did sum up the very base of what I was feeling for him. I can’t remember his reaction to the song, all I remember was dying of curiosity on the inside. Craving to know whether he realised it wasn’t a song I was sharing but actually a question I was asking.

X

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This Is How It Goes

Because it's far more effort and more painful for me to be angry with you.
Because as much as you hurt me I will forgive and forgive and forgive again.
Because I can't hold a grudge.
Because being angry with you hurts us both.
Because, quite simply, I'm just not like that.
Because I need to be able to vent these feelings some where.

Please stop hurting me, so I don't have to be angry with you.

Suddenly I can't stay in this room.
You'll never sway, and I have nothing left that I can think of to say.
What do you want me to think of my thought?
Bear it in mind, if I cannot believe in me who will I then be?

And so I'll run but not too far, incase you chase me, oh
But this is how it goes, baby.
I'll get angry at your words and I'll go home
And you won't call after me 'cos I'll be back before you know, you know

So give me a tooth full of that smile,
And know-it-all eyes you show me
Just to prove that you don't need to lose it.
You tell me I'm your fortress of desire
But is it a crime for me to say my own view
And want then not to fear you?

And so I'll run but not too far, incase you chase me
But this is how it goes, baby,
I'll get angry at your words and I'll go home
Then you won't call after me 'cos I'll be back before you know,
You know, yeah I'll be back before you know

La di da di da
And so I'll run but not too far

'Cos this is how it goes, baby,
I'll get angry at your words and
I'll go home, then you won't call after me,
'cos I'll be back before you know, you know

Yeah, I'll be back before you know
And so I'll run but not too far

Missy Higgins

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Twenty4 Weeks

[edit] I wasn't going to post any text today. But after what happened I felt I had to.
I wish I could say what I actually felt, but Mum always said, if you can't say anything
I went to King's Park. First time since the last time. We both know what that means.
nice, don't say anything at all. I hope you know what you missed out on.
I won't spend any more time thinking about it than that. [/edit]
I hope you realise how much you hurt me.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I give up.

You email sounding so upset. You don't give me the whole picture. You ask for my help.

I freak out for you. I worry. I email back.

What do I get?

Nothing.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Never Say Never

Remember this song? It was in the movie.

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together
Pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x4]

Monday, July 6, 2009

It's times like this I wish we were in the same city.

I just want to hang out with you like we used to.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Twenty5 Weeks

They pass so quick.

Apparently time flies even when you're not having fun...

Finally heard from you today. Right as I emailed saying I couldn't wait anymore. Me, impatient? Nooo. What gives you that idea?

Another roller coaster week. I really hope they stop being so extreme, I can't handle this much longer.

X

Friday, July 3, 2009

I'm seeing Transformers 2 tonight.

Pretty sure I'll cry.

& would you look at that? I was right.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hillarys - Take 2 : Part One

It had been almost two weeks since I’d seen him and I was quite surprised at how I was coping with it. I’d gotten used to seeing him each week but suddenly, I was missing a guy I didn’t even know two months ago.

The more I write about this night the more I remember. The weather had been miserable all day, and rained the entire time I was in the car on the way to his house. It cleared for a few moments when I stopped to pick him up.

That evening was really cold, for Perth in February anyway. He came out in just a t-shirt and jeans. I suggested a jumper but he said he’d be fine; I believed him, he was English after all.

We chatted about the last couple of weeks on our way to Hillary’s, at least a 40-minute drive. It rained the entire time, nothing heavy, but enough to dampen the evenings plans if it continued. I think the Gods were smiling on us because the sky cleared on our arrival. From the photos, you'd never guess it'd been raining less than an hour earlier.


We made a measly attempt to pick somewhere to have dinner, and failed. Not that we cared, we headed straight to Cold Rock; happy to have dessert for dinner once again. The last time we went, we’d thought up great combinations after we’d bought our ice cream. This time we didn’t worry about looking at the possibilities, we both knew what we wanted.

He had to have the Cherry Ripe, which he mixed with Cheesecake ice cream. The combination was really good, but would you expect any less? I went for something a little crazy, lemon sorbet mixed with Nerds. If that isn’t a sugar over load, I don’t know what is!



We had no other plans and we took our time making our way to the grassed area to watch the sun set. Now, in getting to know someone new, you tend to ask a standard set of questions. What work do you do? What do you do in your free time? What kind of car do you drive? What kind of music do you listen to?

His response to that last question left me stumped. I'd never heard of “Dubstep” before. According to him, it’s not widely known, but it’s picking up quickly in the UK. I asked him to describe it; his response? “It’s really hard to describe. It’s similar to drum and bass, but it’s mainly bass, and it has a Jamaican influence. It varies heaps though”. And having heard it, that's probably as accurate as you’re going to get without listening to it.

This sparked my curiosity, and he'd brought along his mp3 player so I could listen this music. He had sent me a few links to songs during the weeks, so I could get a feel for it. Bar9's 'Midnight' was my first, it was an instant attraction. It's one of those home type songs, you can leave it for ages, come back, listen to it & it's like you never left.

Almost as soon as we sat down I told him to bring out the iPod. I was half scared I wouldn't like the music, but I didn't really need to worry. He gave me a little spiel about the DJ's, Caspa & Rusko, how good they were in their own rite & how they'd collaborated to make this album. Rusko had actually been in Perth the previous week but of course, we only found that out after the fact. It was rather disappointing & it still is.

The songs I remember him playing on the night were Guru – he described this one as ‘brain scan’ (I didn’t like it then but I can handle it now), Big Headed Slags – complete with incomprehensible Jamaican intro, Round the World Girls, and Louder. Part of the intro of that song has the lyrics “the R, the U, the S, the K, the O”, after which, I said, “Rusko” in this stupid, matter-of-fact girl voice that made him laugh out loud in a way I hadn't heard before.

When he laughs genuinely, it's just perfect. He get's that whole 'face-lighting-up' thing. It's enough to make a girl go weak at the knees.

Anyway, I really liked the music, some songs more than others, but enough to add Dubstep to the ever-growing list of music styles that I listened to.

He titled that evening my first “Cultural Learnings of Dubstep with Swifty”.

X

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hilariously UN-funny

This song came on my ipod today & actually made me laugh out loud. Strange, it's not that funny really.

Missing You

Oh baby I'm missing you
We used the love so strong
Tell me where do we go
Oh baby I'm missing you
They said I'd to forget but it sure ain't happened yet

Been checkin' all the places that we used to go
Been lookin' for your face inside the crowd
I've been talkin' to the people what we used to know
Nobody wants to say where you're right now

And when I call your phone
Seems like you're never home
And you dont return my call
It tears me apart
This is breakin' up my heart

Chorus

I still have your pictures hung around my home
That's the only thing that is left of you with me
Girl what can I do to make you come back soon

Oh, this is someone new
Can never go on without you
Girl I don't want to think about it
I can't sleep at night
I know that can't be right
Come back into my life
(Come back baby come back)

Chorus

I know there's a change for you and I
And I believe there's no way our love could die
So no matter how long it takes I'll wait for you
And what ever it takes I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there

Chorus ( 2X )


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Saw a guy on a bike just like yours today.

I looked twice.

What was I doing?

Hoping for something?


X

Monday, June 29, 2009

Nothing New

I needed to post it to have on record.


I'm SO in love with this photo.

X

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Twenty6 Weeks

Six months. Literally half a year to go!!

That means three months exactly have passed. So it's taken us three months to get to the stage where we're not on the same page anymore; I don't know if we're even reading the same book.

I tried so hard for us not to fall apart. I wanted so badly for us to work. I really thought we could have made it.

You have your life and I have mine.

I will keep this blog going, because I loved the time we did have and that still means something to me.

X

Friday, June 26, 2009

There's No Secrets This Year

Who would know
All the reasons you're alone
If the seeds were planted firm my dear
Would the banshees tear it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
there's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear
We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

Too late little one, I'm on the run
You think I'm having all the fun
I don't mind, I'm still here
Everything seems perfect from down here

That's the reason you still fear

If the screams are buried oh my God
You'll let the record shake it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear
We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

Lay your head down at your feet
I'll blow you kisses while you sleep
And when I know you're safe and dreaming
My escape plans in full swing

Who would know
All the reasons you're a bore
If the seeds were planted firm right here
Let the banshees tear it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year


I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear

We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year
There's no secrets this year
There's no secrets this year

Better make sure
Better make sure you're looking closely
Before you fall into your swoon

Silversun Pickups

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Don't Say You Love Me

Because I don't think you do.

Why?

You never text (you used to, a little but now I get nothing)

You don't even text back

You don't email unless I've emailed first

I wonder if I stopped emailing/blogging/texting would you miss it? Would you start emailing/texting me?

You organise stuff with your mates for the hour after our Skype sessions, cutting our conversation short so you can go ride. Yet I'm the girl you say you're 'in love' with? You ride, what, every day? Just about I'm sure. You only get to see/talk to me once a week & you wanna cut that short?

You say shit like "I'm lucky if I've got 20 minutes to email you at the end of the day" ^^^Sorry for being such an imposition.

You don't pick up the phone when I call

You're always so fucking busy

If you haven't got time for me then please send my heart back. Otherwise - fix it. Thank you.

X

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Our Story

A story without ups and downs is a very boring story indeed. As long as it has a happy ending, I don't mind.
But for now, I'm taking a break.
X

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Where...?

...I want to be


...I should be


...I could be


...I am


X

Monday, June 22, 2009

My Dear Boy




Today. I was fine.

Tomorrow. I will be great. I was occupied all day & didn't care that I didn't get an email.

Wednesday. I will miss you. I hate that you don't have enough time for me.

Thursday. I will manage. I was hurt.

Friday. I will have cravings. I was angry & over it.

Saturday. I will be excited.

Sunday. I will see you.

One day at a time. One week at a time. Every week for Twenty7 Weeks.

X

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Twenty7 Weeks

And so another week bites the dust.

[edit] Excuse me but... It's been three months already? Holy fuck! [/edit]

Can I give you the "It's not you, it's me" line? It's partly true at least. With everything that's going on here, the one thing I wish was constant, isn't. It feels like everything is totally out of my control and I don't like it.

Maybe you hit the 'this-is-hard' wall a few weeks ago and I'm hitting mine now. Up & down & roundabout... it's all a bunch of bollocks. Enit.

Just reassure me that this isn't one sided every so often. That's all I need.

I love you.

It's true.

X

Saturday, June 20, 2009


X

My Delerium

Late night, waiting by the phone
Tonight waiting for an answer
Heartbeat drumming double time
I need one more chance to be near you

Still hanging on (for what)
Can't operate (fired up)
I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah
No rest till I (get through)
Coz I'm holding out (for you)
Am I the only one who's insane

Hey! You're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder 'I'm gonna fall
Stop! Playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control

Still here in this quiet room
Deep in delusion sending me over
Outside watch the world go by
Inside time stands still as I wonder

Still hanging on (for what)
Can't operate (fired up)
I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah
No rest till I (get through)
Coz I'm holding out (for you)
Am I the only one who's insane

Hey! You're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! Playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control

(I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah)

Hey! you're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control


Hey! you're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outa my head and outta my self control


Ladyhawke

Cute huh?

Cute, but lame... I know.



X

Friday, June 19, 2009

Waiting for the 7.18

There's only one line in this song that counts.
You'll know what it is.

Waiting for the seven eighteen
January is endless

Weary-eyed and forlorn

The Northern Line is the loudest


Sitting in silence in bars after work

I've got nothing to add or contest

Can still kick a ball a hundred yards

We cling to bottles and memories of the past


(Give me moments)

Just give me moments (give me moments)
Not hours or days (give me moments)

Just give me moments (give me moments)


Grinding your teeth in the middle of the night

With the sadness of those molars

Spend all your spare time trying to escape

With crosswords and sudoku


If I could do it again
I'd make more mistakes
I'd not be so scared of falling

If I could do it again, I'd climb more trees
I'd pick and I'd eat more wild
blackberries

(Give me moments)


Just give me moments (give me moments)

Not hours or days (give me moments)

Just give me moments (give me moments)


Let's drive to Brighton on the weekend (x8)


Bloc Party

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Worry

I'm worried. I hope I've got nothing to be worried about, but I worry just the same.

Are you ok? What's going on? Once again, I feel like I've screwed something up, but I don't know what I did.




Are we ok?

X

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

10 Things I Hate About You

I know this idea is taken out of a movie but I really couldn't care less.

I hate the way you can make me feel

and the fact you didn't cut your hair

I hate how you think I'm pretty

even when I look like crap

I hate that you can read me

and you live so damn far away

I hate your gorgeous accent

and your perfect skinny jeans

I hate that you make me vulnerable

and more than anything I hate that I can't hate you

and I love you as much as I do.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Getting to Know You....

This one requires some thought and you can email me the answers mmk?

Instead of a 10 things list, I have 5 questions.

1. If work sent you on paid leave for a year, what would you do in that year?

2. What's your most embarrassing moment?

3. If your house were on fire, what would be the one thing you save?

4. What's the biggest misconception people have about you?

5. What's one life experience you would like a do-over on?

X

Monday, June 15, 2009

I FUCKING MISS YOU.

It Amazes Me

...to find other people that feel the same way about someone as I feel about you.


I saved 32 images to my computer before realising I could and should just link you straight to their site.

I swear they're reading my thoughts...

Us ~ How you look ~ Can't Help ~ Can't Wait ~ Can't Explain ~ Coffee

See?

X

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Twenty8 Weeks

[post 1] I'm going to fill the rest of this in after I've spoken to you. [/post 1]

So I got to see you today. It was a little strange having not seen you for so long, I got dressed up & even put make up on.

I know I say it all the time, but I just get the feeling you couldn't actually understand how much I love you. It's consuming. Totally overpowering.

I would do & spend what ever it takes to make you happy.

X

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Untitled

[unfinished]

We will walk the streets, hand in hand
and see the sites of your home town
When you ask, "What do you want to see?"
I will answer the same way you did me

We will take more photos than the last time
and we will be just as silly, if not more
We shall have cuddles for dinner
and probably dessert as well

We will create new memories
and we'll relive the old
We will say "remember when"
and "I love you too"

We will share secrets and kisses
Have jokes that only we understand
We will do all the things that new couples do
and some of the stuff they don't

X

Friday, June 12, 2009

Times Two

Both of these struck a chord with me, I'm sure you'll understand why.





X

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Valentine's Day

If anything were going to happen, Valentine’s Day would be it, right?

The perfect occasion came up when The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was scheduled to screen the day before Valentine's at the outdoor cinemas. I couldn't have asked for a better excuse to spend an evening with friends, and the guy that just kept growing on me, especially for the most romantic occasion of the year.

Again, after work, I picked him up, this time we went back to my folks’ house so I could change into something more appropriate. I remember my dad was home so I left them in each others company, hoping they’d play nice. We picked up pizza on the way to pick up E and set off to meet M at King’s Park.

Being Valentine’s Day, my friends and I had made each other little gifts, tokens of how much we love each other. Why should couples have all the fun right? Unfortunately, I messed up all but one. His. I changed tack and created something different for my friends but they weren’t quite as good.

We sat around and talked before the movie, stuffed ourselves with pizza and E’s divine cupcakes. When the movie started we got settled in. E was lying, head rested on my knee and M was leaning on the other. It felt like he was on the very other side of the rug.

He didn’t move much closer during the course of the movie, even after comments pointing it out were thrown his way. I’d look over and just check on him occasionally, he was so content just lying there on his own. Us girls on the other hand, were all huddled on the smallest patch of blanket. Towards the end of the movie he sat up, grass covering his back. I reached over to try getting it off, anything to get a little contact - you know how it is. At that point, I did notice that he shifted, in my general direction too mind you. Not that it was anything I could get too excited about.

I’m sure you know how us girls work; if you’re sitting next to the guy you like, both of you with your hands back propping you up, you might inch your hand over, in case you 'accidentally' graze his. Well, I tried that; I got damn close too, but no such luck. It wasn’t going to happen on Valentine’s Day, not for me at least.

On the way home we detoured to drop E home and stopped in for a bit. I recall comments being thrown around about how I felt about him, whether he heard them or not, and clued in I still don’t know. We left E's house a little after one in the morning I think. And, as always, I still went in for a drink, we still sat on the couch in our respective positions, we still chatted like we’d not spoken in forever and I still struggled to leave when it got to two in the morning.

X

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Yeah Nah

I've coped almost four weeks now without speaking to you. I've done really well I think, considering I'm sorta the clingy type. It's awful & I am getting better (whether you realise it or not, I don't know). It's just gotten to the end of my allowance. I don't want to go a month without talking to you, it's not right.

These last couple of days have been really hard actually. I've got a whole lot of self doubt & stuff I'm self conscious about that I haven't really let you in on. For me, it's part of being female, written into that X chromosome you guys don't have. I know I'm not perfect, but lately I've been scared that when I get to England you'll realise it too. Please don't. Ever.

Gay. Now I sound like I'm self depreciating, which I am, but I need the reassurance sometimes. Yeah. Sorry. Brain dump.

I do love you. I know you love me. It's just occasionally I have a problem loving me.

APART from that, loads has been happening lately, but I want to talk to you and hear your voice and hold your hand and wake up next to you and spend time doing nothing and to spend time with you not having to say anything. I want to be there. More than anything else in the world right now, I just want to be there.

X

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Space They Cannot Touch

Why use words when a song says everything I wish to say to you?

How's my luck, but somehow
I'm with you, let's leave now

Let's leave them and their point of view
My favourite place is me and you

I wake up, in darkest night
I watch you breathe, in shadow light

A perfect world, lies next to me
And I don't need to sleep to dream

I just hope I am good enough to keep you

Morning sun, warms our skin
Distant sounds, the day begins

Soon their world, will come calling for us
But this is space they cannot touch

I just hope I am good enough to keep you

Kate Miller-Heidke

Monday, June 8, 2009

Notes to My Man

Written on 08.06.09 in a small square in the city.

===============

I walked through our sleepy city this morning. Even though it was almost empty, I was stifled by the memories of you, every street, every smell. From the moment I stepped out from the bus station I was affronted by a backpacker, complete with a white framed BMX. Unlike you, he remembered to bring it with him. I saw an older couple walking, arm in arm, just as we had two and a half months earlier.

Two more weeks and it will have been six months ago that I met you. Is that scary? Time really does fly if you're not careful. Having said that, in six months time I'll see you again. Given the last six have gone this fast, it still seems such a long way off.

I discovered a quiet square, hidden away behind the office buildings. On my left is the city church, Anglican I think. It's lovely in it's antiquity, it has a steeple and lead light windows that would be the height of a house, just on their own. Even that reminds me of you, the age of it makes me think of where you live. It reminds me of my impatience to see you, to have my turn at playing the tourist in your home town. It reminds me of those words I said, then apologised for, but never took back.

This morning brought tears to my eyes, that hasn't happened in a while. I thought, "Well, we've made it through ten weeks already. Three more sets of these and I'm all yours." Or you're all mine, whatever. We'll be saying "Hey Lover" and it won't be in a text, it won't be in an email, it won't be to an image on a computer screen. It will be to your face, one I can hold and stare at and take in, all over again.

===============

I'm sorry if I've been a little overwhelming lately, I've been a little overwhelmed myself. It physically feels like there's this thing inside trying to claw it's way out of my chest. I know it sounds strange but there you have it. I'm full up inside & I need to get it out.

X

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Twenty9 Weeks


Oh my god! It's been ten whole weeks! It feels like I've not seen you in forever, but at the same time I can't believe how fast it's all gone. I can still clearly feel the electricity when I think of that second time we went to Hillarys.

We hit a pretty big pothole last week, one we both paid for, but I think it's helped in the long run. It feels a little like we've started fresh, and I've fallen in love all over again. It will be a tumultuous six months, I know we'll see the same frustration again, most likely on more than one occasion; now we know we can handle it and make it out alive.

I haven't heard your voice in a while, I do miss it but I'm coping fine, better than I thought I would. It's progress. We have had a lot of contact this week though and it's definitely helped. Somehow I thought we'd run out of things to say emailing daily, but I'm happy to be wrong. Having said that, it shouldn't surprise me really, given when we were together it would be at least seven hours and we never went quiet.

I've been writing up a few more of our evenings, I've finished the next one and am part way through the following one. I'm excited to see them up, but I may pace them a little slower... we've still got a long time to get through.

Love you.

X

P.S. In all the hassle with my laptop, moving songs and pictures, copying files and editing folders, I've lost the video I took of you. I found out when I tried to find it so I coul watch it. I'm so disappointed. It wasn't much, but I liked knowing I had it, to watch whenever I wanted *sad face*
Im well in brighton its well mental and i luv you life is gud. X

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Sway

Dear Man Friend,
I know this isn't your kinda music, but it is mine.
If you'd be so kind, I'd like to dance with you to this at some point.
We need not go anywhere and no one need see.
It will be our moment and our song (one of many I know).
Love, Your Girl.

When marimba rhythms starts to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore

Hold me close, sway me more


Like a flower bending in the breeze

Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me

Stay with me, sway with me


Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique

When we sway I go weak


I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins

Make me thrill as only you know how

Sway me smooth, sway me now


Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you

Only you have the magic technique

When we sway I go weak


I can hear the sounds of violins

Long before it begins

Make me thrill as only you know how

Sway me smooth, sway me now

You know how

Sway me smooth, sway me now

Michael Buble`

X

Friday, June 5, 2009

*GRIN*

Maybe I should have given you this for Valentine's Day?

X

Thursday, June 4, 2009

But You're Not...

So we make it work.

X

P.S. The next few days posts are kinda sappy & gross. I'd apologise but I don't care. I'm a huge romantic at heart.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

If You Were Here...

...we would hold hands
and have sleep overs


...we would go to the skate park
and hang out in the city


...I would tell you about my day
and you would make curry for dinner


...we would take weekend getaways
that last for a week


...we would go on roadtrips with friends
and travel all the time


If you were here...
...we would be home


Here could be anywhere...
... and everything would be ok

X

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ten Eleven Things

1. I have an addictive personality

2. I internalise most things.
If anything's wrong, somehow it'll be my fault. I'm getting better at not doing this though.

3. My favourite animals are the big cats, panthers, tigers, leopards, cheetahs etc

4. I don't hold grudges
It's the culture I was brought up with & one I don't plan on changing

5. I love making up other people smile
I've learned it's the little things that count

6. I'm not the biggest fan of chocolate...
...but do get cravings

7. I do love my ice cream though...
...as you may or may not have gathered

8. Life got so much better for me once I left school...
...then worse, then even better again

9. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl
It either works in my favour or it backfires. Does make for a rough rollercoaster but I don't believe in doing things by halves.

10. I fell in love with an Englishman.

11. I used to do ballroom dancing.
This may help explain my love for the music mentioned in Saturday's post

X

Monday, June 1, 2009

Rollercoaster

That last post helped.

Having vented it all, I feel like I'm more ok now. I'm not taking back anything I said because I meant it all.

But I'm just hoping you'll prove me wrong, that you will tell me what's going on & we can work through it. If not, well, that's your choice too.

I still care about you, and want the best for you, just not sure whether I can do much from here. I love you.

X

So of Course, You Were Supposed to Call Me Tonight...

Well, the last few days have been interesting to say the least. It's been ages since we last spoke, not for lack of trying though. Tough times are to be expected and ours isn't the most normal of 'getting-to-know-you's" to begin with.

I'd like to pretend like I'm tough, like I can get over this, make a decision with my head and stick to it. But no, I'm not tough, I'm a mess & I'm the queen of second chances, of thinking things might change, thinking there must be some reason for all this. I really don't know what to think, something's not right, but of course to get to the bottom of it, we need to talk, not send emails.

Don't read this if you're feeling fragile. It's really harsh, but this is my blog & I can say what I like. If I can write about the good, I can write about the bad.

I would love to say screw you, screw bmx, screw dubstep, screw cherry ripe cheesecakes, screw sending you sh*t in the mail, screw this blog, screw everything. I can't really say it honestly though. I'm just so HURT. I'm not even angry at you, just so unbelievabley disappointed. I know there's more to it than meets the eye, but if you don't tell me, all I can do is speculate, and when I do that, I imagine the worst. Ta-dah!

I don't know what's going on with you, I can't when you don't talk to me. All I know is your not the person this blog is about, your not the guy that hung out with me at Cottesloe, not the guy that can make my heart melt. This guy is the one that makes me cry & scream and wonder where the hell I went wrong.

I hope this gets better, I don't know what I'll do otherwise. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me there's more to it, tell me anything to make this all go away.

X

I Know I Know I Know

From hundreds of miles, yeah, you cry like a baby.
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying.
I know I know I know, I'm still your love.
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake,
You laugh with me, shout, scream, now tell me you're staying.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Box after box and you're still by my side.
The weather is changing and breaking my stride.
Oh well I know I know I know, it's just this day.
House after house, just like car after car,
You see club after club, and it all seems so far.
I know I know I know, what else are we here for?
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

Last night I was writing about you,
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
I wake up to the sound of you working,
In one room right over, you're stressing and loving me.
I know I know I know, be still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.
Stick your heart inside of my chest,
Keep it warm here while we rest.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Tegan + Sara

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Thirty Weeks

We're almost into the 20's of weeks to go! How sad is it that I'm excited about that? Don't answer.

After everything that happened this week, I was trying to figure out why it was getting so dysfunctional. You know what I think it is? Apart from the whole long distance thing?

We don't get the new stuff. We don't get to go to the movies, we don't get to go hang out on the weekend, we don't get to be together, but also in the company of friends, we can't really flirt, or call when we feel like it. We don't get any of the normal new 'couple' stuff. It went from nothing, to this. The only contact we have is via the web, and a once a week Skype session. It sucks big time.

Now I think about it, I remember saying it was cool that we each have our own lives, am I allowed to change my mind? It's not so cool anymore. I don't know what you think, but I want to be a part of your life, not just some person that emails you all the time.

This won't be easy, LDR's never are, and that's a common fact, we just have to make us one of the statistics that proves they work. One week at a time, we'll get there.

This sounds more negative than I'm feeling, I'm ok, honest, just a realisation I wanted to put out there. How do we have the new stuff when we can't do any of it? Create our own? Meh. I love you just the same.

X (P.S. I want to make you have to count to ten)

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Wish


X
Well hello there. So iv just got back from the hh party and im completely fucked. All i can think about is how much i wont a cuddle rite now. Love u baby u have no idea how happy it makes me to be able to say that. X

Friday, May 29, 2009

Too Cute Not to Post

Found here

Far Away Boy,

For now maybe these 900 4998 miles are good for you.

If you were here, your ribs would break with how much I’d squeeze you, your lips would chap with how much I’d kiss you, your lungs would collapse when I exhausted you with dancing and pulled you by the hand all over the place to every corner of the beautiful, beautiful world.

So I guess, if we’re trying to stay positive, it’s good that you get a breather? I don’t know who I’m kidding. We should be together every damn second, starting 100 years ago.

— On My Way


X

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Trouble

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

O no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing I, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

What if I got it wrong

Coldplay

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Thanks M


She found this for me - but it was adorable & it's true & I just had to post it.

X

X

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Untitled


Because she's useless without ghosts to chase

Because I can't think of life without you

Because I fuck things up

Because I do want this to work

Because I want nothing less

Because I freak out

Because I love you

Because you're so far away

Because I want to be 'that girl'

Because I don't know who that is for you

Because I want you to be happy, with or without me

Because I'm selfish and would rather it be with me

Because you deserve the best

Because I'm willing to do the hard yards, if you are too

Because I love you

Unconditionally.

X

Fabriclive37. Track 29.

Monday, May 25, 2009

It's True


I made this up last week, it doesn't feel quite so true today. The thought of you is breaking my heart.

[edit @ 4:21pm] I'm a lot better this afternoon. I may or may not have freaked out a little over last week. The thought of you is back to making me smile. I put our picture up at work, it's the same one I have next to my bed, I love seeing you all day. I'm listening to this song at the moment, I know I've sent you the lyrics before but once again it's strangely appropriate. Not in the same way as before, but appropriate nonetheless. You know me, I love to lose my mind. Hope you had a great day. I love you. [/edit]

X

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Thirty1 Weeks

The weeks are beginning to pass faster. Each weekend comes around quicker than the last. This week I didn't hear from you quite as much, but I coped. In fact, I had a good week, and a great weekend.

I hope today went well for you, I really do. I can't wait to hear ALL about it. It's such a great opportunity and one you really deserve; I'm so proud & can't wait to see what comes of it.

6 weeks ago I posted a diary entry, part of it was brought back to mind today. I've got to be honest, I have my concerns and they're a little more grounded after the week just gone. I don't want to have them, I truly don't, and it breaks my heart.

This is running rings in my head tonight, maybe check my other blog tomorrow too - the explanation is there.

X

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Little Bit

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh
Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh


Hands down, I'm too proud, for love
But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of
But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
Cause I don't know
Eye to eye, thigh to thigh, I let go


I think I'm a little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit

Little bit, little bit
In lalalala love with me
Oh ah

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh
Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh

And for you I keep my legs apart
And forget about my tainted heart
And I will never ever be the first to say it
But still I, yeah you know, I..I..I..

I would do it

Push the button, pull the trigger
Climb a mountain, jump off a cliff
Cause you know baby I love you love you
A little bit

If you would do it, if you would say it
If you would mean it, that we could do it
If it was you and I, not only I
Ha hm

I think I'm a little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit, little bit
In lalalala love with me

I think I'm a little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit, little bit
In lalalala love with me
Ah oh

Come here, stay with me
Stroke me by the hair
Cause I would give anything
Anything, to have you as my man

Come here, stay with me
Stroke me by the hair
Cause I would give anything
Anything, to have you as my man

Little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit, little bit
In lalalala love with me

I think I'm a little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit, little bit
In lalalala love with me

I think I'm a little bit, little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit, little bit

Little bit, little bit
Little bit, little bit
Little bit...

Lykke Li