Saw a guy on a bike just like yours today.

I looked twice.

What was I doing?

Hoping for something?


X

Nothing New

I needed to post it to have on record.


I'm SO in love with this photo.

X

Twenty6 Weeks

Six months. Literally half a year to go!!

That means three months exactly have passed. So it's taken us three months to get to the stage where we're not on the same page anymore; I don't know if we're even reading the same book.

I tried so hard for us not to fall apart. I wanted so badly for us to work. I really thought we could have made it.

You have your life and I have mine.

I will keep this blog going, because I loved the time we did have and that still means something to me.

X

There's No Secrets This Year

Who would know
All the reasons you're alone
If the seeds were planted firm my dear
Would the banshees tear it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
there's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear
We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

Too late little one, I'm on the run
You think I'm having all the fun
I don't mind, I'm still here
Everything seems perfect from down here

That's the reason you still fear
If the screams are buried oh my God
You'll let the record shake it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear
We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

Lay your head down at your feet
I'll blow you kisses while you sleep
And when I know you're safe and dreaming
My escape plans in full swing

Who would know
All the reasons you're a bore
If the seeds were planted firm right here
Let the banshees tear it all apart

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

I'll tell you a secret
I'll make it perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year

So your hearts blown open
Consider with your ear
We are still sincere

I'll tell you a secret
Let's make this perfectly clear
There's no secrets this year
There's no secrets this year
There's no secrets this year

Better make sure
Better make sure you're looking closely
Before you fall into your swoon

Silversun Pickups

Don't Say You Love Me

Because I don't think you do.

Why?

You never text (you used to, a little but now I get nothing)

You don't even text back

You don't email unless I've emailed first

I wonder if I stopped emailing/blogging/texting would you miss it? Would you start emailing/texting me?

You organise stuff with your mates for the hour after our Skype sessions, cutting our conversation short so you can go ride. Yet I'm the girl you say you're 'in love' with? You ride, what, every day? Just about I'm sure. You only get to see/talk to me once a week & you wanna cut that short?

You say shit like "I'm lucky if I've got 20 minutes to email you at the end of the day" ^^^Sorry for being such an imposition.

You don't pick up the phone when I call

You're always so fucking busy

If you haven't got time for me then please send my heart back. Otherwise - fix it. Thank you.

X

Our Story

A story without ups and downs is a very boring story indeed. As long as it has a happy ending, I don't mind.
But for now, I'm taking a break.
X

Where...?

...I want to be

...I should be

...I could be

...I am

X

My Dear Boy

Today. I was fine.

Tomorrow. I will be great. I was occupied all day & didn't care that I didn't get an email.

Wednesday. I will miss you. I hate that you don't have enough time for me.

Thursday. I will manage. I was hurt.

Friday. I will have cravings. I was angry & over it.

Saturday. I will be excited.

Sunday. I will see you.

One day at a time. One week at a time. Every week for Twenty7 Weeks.

X

Twenty7 Weeks

And so another week bites the dust.

[edit] Excuse me but... It's been three months already? Holy fuck! [/edit]

Can I give you the "It's not you, it's me" line? It's partly true at least. With everything that's going on here, the one thing I wish was constant, isn't. It feels like everything is totally out of my control and I don't like it.

Maybe you hit the 'this-is-hard' wall a few weeks ago and I'm hitting mine now. Up & down & roundabout... it's all a bunch of bollocks. Enit.

Just reassure me that this isn't one sided every so often. That's all I need.

I love you.

It's true.

X

X

My Delerium

Late night, waiting by the phone
Tonight waiting for an answer
Heartbeat drumming double time
I need one more chance to be near you

Still hanging on (for what)
Can't operate (fired up)
I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah
No rest till I (get through)
Coz I'm holding out (for you)
Am I the only one who's insane

Hey! You're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder 'I'm gonna fall
Stop! Playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control

Still here in this quiet room
Deep in delusion sending me over
Outside watch the world go by
Inside time stands still as I wonder

Still hanging on (for what)
Can't operate (fired up)
I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah
No rest till I (get through)
Coz I'm holding out (for you)
Am I the only one who's insane

Hey! You're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! Playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control

(I won't eat eat and I sleep for you yeah)

Hey! you're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outta my head and outta my self control

Hey! you're playing with my delerium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop! playing with my delerium
Coz I'm outa my head and outta my self control

Ladyhawke

Cute huh?

Cute, but lame... I know.



X

Waiting for the 7.18

There's only one line in this song that counts.
You'll know what it is.

Waiting for the seven eighteen
January is endless
Weary-eyed and forlorn
The Northern Line is the loudest

Sitting in silence in bars after work
I've got nothing to add or contest
Can still kick a ball a hundred yards
We cling to bottles and memories of the past

(Give me moments)

Just give me moments (give me moments)
Not hours or days (give me moments)
Just give me moments (give me moments)

Grinding your teeth in the middle of the night
With the sadness of those molars
Spend all your spare time trying to escape
With crosswords and sudoku

If I could do it again I'd make more mistakes
I'd not be so scared of falling
If I could do it again, I'd climb more trees
I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries

(Give me moments)

Just give me moments (give me moments)
Not hours or days (give me moments)
Just give me moments (give me moments)

Let's drive to Brighton on the weekend (x8)

Bloc Party

Worry

I'm worried. I hope I've got nothing to be worried about, but I worry just the same.

Are you ok? What's going on? Once again, I feel like I've screwed something up, but I don't know what I did.




Are we ok?

X

10 Things I Hate About You

I know this idea is taken out of a movie but I really couldn't care less.

I hate the way you can make me feel

and the fact you didn't cut your hair

I hate how you think I'm pretty

even when I look like crap

I hate that you can read me

and you live so damn far away

I hate your gorgeous accent

and your perfect skinny jeans

I hate that you make me vulnerable

and more than anything I hate that I can't hate you

and I love you as much as I do.

Getting to Know You....

This one requires some thought and you can email me the answers mmk?

Instead of a 10 things list, I have 5 questions.

1. If work sent you on paid leave for a year, what would you do in that year?

2. What's your most embarrassing moment?

3. If your house were on fire, what would be the one thing you save?

4. What's the biggest misconception people have about you?

5. What's one life experience you would like a do-over on?

X

I FUCKING MISS YOU.

It Amazes Me

...to find other people that feel the same way about someone as I feel about you.

Cardboard Love

I saved 32 images to my computer before realising I could and should just link you straight to their site.

I swear they're reading my thoughts...

Us ~ How you look ~ Can't Help ~ Can't Wait ~ Can't Explain ~ Coffee

See?

X

Twenty8 Weeks

[post 1] I'm going to fill the rest of this in after I've spoken to you. [/post 1]

So I got to see you today. It was a little strange having not seen you for so long, I got dressed up & even put make up on.

I know I say it all the time, but I just get the feeling you couldn't actually understand how much I love you. It's consuming. Totally overpowering.

I would do & spend what ever it takes to make you happy.

X

Untitled

[unfinished]

We will walk the streets, hand in hand
and see the sites of your home town
When you ask, "What do you want to see?"
I will answer the same way you did me

We will take more photos than the last time
and we will be just as silly, if not more
We shall have cuddles for dinner
and probably dessert as well

We will create new memories
and we'll relive the old
We will say "remember when"
and "I love you too"

We will share secrets and kisses
Have jokes that only we understand
We will do all the things that new couples do
and some of the stuff they don't

X

Times Two

Both of these struck a chord with me, I'm sure you'll understand why.





X

Valentine's Day

If anything were going to happen, Valentine’s Day would be it, right?

The perfect occasion came up when The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was scheduled to screen the day before Valentine's at the outdoor cinemas. I couldn't have asked for a better excuse to spend an evening with friends, and the guy that just kept growing on me, especially for the most romantic occasion of the year.

Again, after work, I picked him up, this time we went back to my folks’ house so I could change into something more appropriate. I remember my dad was home so I left them in each others company, hoping they’d play nice. We picked up pizza on the way to pick up E and set off to meet M at King’s Park.

Being Valentine’s Day, my friends and I had made each other little gifts, tokens of how much we love each other. Why should couples have all the fun right? Unfortunately, I messed up all but one. His. I changed tack and created something different for my friends but they weren’t quite as good.

We sat around and talked before the movie, stuffed ourselves with pizza and E’s divine cupcakes. When the movie started we got settled in. E was lying, head rested on my knee and M was leaning on the other. It felt like he was on the very other side of the rug.

He didn’t move much closer during the course of the movie, even after comments pointing it out were thrown his way. I’d look over and just check on him occasionally, he was so content just lying there on his own. Us girls on the other hand, were all huddled on the smallest patch of blanket. Towards the end of the movie he sat up, grass covering his back. I reached over to try getting it off, anything to get a little contact - you know how it is. At that point, I did notice that he shifted, in my general direction too mind you. Not that it was anything I could get too excited about.

I’m sure you know how us girls work; if you’re sitting next to the guy you like, both of you with your hands back propping you up, you might inch your hand over, in case you 'accidentally' graze his. Well, I tried that; I got damn close too, but no such luck. It wasn’t going to happen on Valentine’s Day, not for me at least.

On the way home we detoured to drop E home and stopped in for a bit. I recall comments being thrown around about how I felt about him, whether he heard them or not, and clued in I still don’t know. We left E's house a little after one in the morning I think. And, as always, I still went in for a drink, we still sat on the couch in our respective positions, we still chatted like we’d not spoken in forever and I still struggled to leave when it got to two in the morning.

X

Yeah Nah

I've coped almost four weeks now without speaking to you. I've done really well I think, considering I'm sorta the clingy type. It's awful & I am getting better (whether you realise it or not, I don't know). It's just gotten to the end of my allowance. I don't want to go a month without talking to you, it's not right.

These last couple of days have been really hard actually. I've got a whole lot of self doubt & stuff I'm self conscious about that I haven't really let you in on. For me, it's part of being female, written into that X chromosome you guys don't have. I know I'm not perfect, but lately I've been scared that when I get to England you'll realise it too. Please don't. Ever.

Gay. Now I sound like I'm self depreciating, which I am, but I need the reassurance sometimes. Yeah. Sorry. Brain dump.

I do love you. I know you love me. It's just occasionally I have a problem loving me.

APART from that, loads has been happening lately, but I want to talk to you and hear your voice and hold your hand and wake up next to you and spend time doing nothing and to spend time with you not having to say anything. I want to be there. More than anything else in the world right now, I just want to be there.

X

Space They Cannot Touch

Why use words when a song says everything I wish to say to you?

How's my luck, but somehow
I'm with you, let's leave now

Let's leave them and their point of view
My favourite place is me and you

I wake up, in darkest night
I watch you breathe, in shadow light

A perfect world, lies next to me
And I don't need to sleep to dream

I just hope I am good enough to keep you

Morning sun, warms our skin
Distant sounds, the day begins

Soon their world, will come calling for us
But this is space they cannot touch

I just hope I am good enough to keep you

Kate Miller-Heidke

Notes to My Man

Written on 08.06.09 in a small square in the city.

===============

I walked through our sleepy city this morning. Even though it was almost empty, I was stifled by the memories of you, every street, every smell. From the moment I stepped out from the bus station I was affronted by a backpacker, complete with a white framed BMX. Unlike you, he remembered to bring it with him. I saw an older couple walking, arm in arm, just as we had two and a half months earlier.

Two more weeks and it will have been six months ago that I met you. Is that scary? Time really does fly if you're not careful. Having said that, in six months time I'll see you again. Given the last six have gone this fast, it still seems such a long way off.

I discovered a quiet square, hidden away behind the office buildings. On my left is the city church, Anglican I think. It's lovely in it's antiquity, it has a steeple and lead light windows that would be the height of a house, just on their own. Even that reminds me of you, the age of it makes me think of where you live. It reminds me of my impatience to see you, to have my turn at playing the tourist in your home town. It reminds me of those words I said, then apologised for, but never took back.

This morning brought tears to my eyes, that hasn't happened in a while. I thought, "Well, we've made it through ten weeks already. Three more sets of these and I'm all yours." Or you're all mine, whatever. We'll be saying "Hey Lover" and it won't be in a text, it won't be in an email, it won't be to an image on a computer screen. It will be to your face, one I can hold and stare at and take in, all over again.

===============

I'm sorry if I've been a little overwhelming lately, I've been a little overwhelmed myself. It physically feels like there's this thing inside trying to claw it's way out of my chest. I know it sounds strange but there you have it. I'm full up inside & I need to get it out.

X

Twenty9 Weeks

Oh my god! It's been ten whole weeks! It feels like I've not seen you in forever, but at the same time I can't believe how fast it's all gone. I can still clearly feel the electricity when I think of that second time we went to Hillarys.

We hit a pretty big pothole last week, one we both paid for, but I think it's helped in the long run. It feels a little like we've started fresh, and I've fallen in love all over again. It will be a tumultuous six months, I know we'll see the same frustration again, most likely on more than one occasion; now we know we can handle it and make it out alive.

I haven't heard your voice in a while, I do miss it but I'm coping fine, better than I thought I would. It's progress. We have had a lot of contact this week though and it's definitely helped. Somehow I thought we'd run out of things to say emailing daily, but I'm happy to be wrong. Having said that, it shouldn't surprise me really, given when we were together it would be at least seven hours and we never went quiet.

I've been writing up a few more of our evenings, I've finished the next one and am part way through the following one. I'm excited to see them up, but I may pace them a little slower... we've still got a long time to get through.

Love you.

X

P.S. In all the hassle with my laptop, moving songs and pictures, copying files and editing folders, I've lost the video I took of you. I found out when I tried to find it so I coul watch it. I'm so disappointed. It wasn't much, but I liked knowing I had it, to watch whenever I wanted *sad face*

Im well in brighton its well mental and i luv you life is gud. X

Sway

Dear Man Friend,
I know this isn't your kinda music, but it is mine.
If you'd be so kind, I'd like to dance with you to this at some point.
We need not go anywhere and no one need see.
It will be our moment and our song (one of many I know).
Love, Your Girl.

When marimba rhythms starts to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now
You know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

Michael Buble`

X

*GRIN*

Maybe I should have given you this for Valentine's Day?

X

But You're Not...

So we make it work.

X

P.S. The next few days posts are kinda sappy & gross. I'd apologise but I don't care. I'm a huge romantic at heart.

If You Were Here...

...we would hold hands

and have sleep overs

♥

...we would go to the skate park

and hang out in the city

♥

...I would tell you about my day

and you would make curry for dinner

♥

...we would take weekend getaways

that last for a week

♥

...we would go on roadtrips with friends

and travel all the time

♥

If you were here...

...we would be home

♥

Here could be anywhere...

... and everything would be ok

X

Ten Eleven Things

1. I have an addictive personality

2. I internalise most things.
If anything's wrong, somehow it'll be my fault. I'm getting better at not doing this though.

3. My favourite animals are the big cats, panthers, tigers, leopards, cheetahs etc

4. I don't hold grudges
It's the culture I was brought up with & one I don't plan on changing

5. I love making up other people smile
I've learned it's the little things that count

6. I'm not the biggest fan of chocolate...
...but do get cravings

7. I do love my ice cream though...
...as you may or may not have gathered

8. Life got so much better for me once I left school...
...then worse, then even better again

9. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl
It either works in my favour or it backfires. Does make for a rough rollercoaster but I don't believe in doing things by halves.

10. I fell in love with an Englishman.

11. I used to do ballroom dancing.
This may help explain my love for the music mentioned in Saturday's post

X

Rollercoaster

That last post helped.

Having vented it all, I feel like I'm more ok now. I'm not taking back anything I said because I meant it all.

But I'm just hoping you'll prove me wrong, that you will tell me what's going on & we can work through it. If not, well, that's your choice too.

I still care about you, and want the best for you, just not sure whether I can do much from here. I love you.

X

So of Course, You Were Supposed to Call Me Tonight...

Well, the last few days have been interesting to say the least. It's been ages since we last spoke, not for lack of trying though. Tough times are to be expected and ours isn't the most normal of 'getting-to-know-you's" to begin with.

I'd like to pretend like I'm tough, like I can get over this, make a decision with my head and stick to it. But no, I'm not tough, I'm a mess & I'm the queen of second chances, of thinking things might change, thinking there must be some reason for all this. I really don't know what to think, something's not right, but of course to get to the bottom of it, we need to talk, not send emails.

Don't read this if you're feeling fragile. It's really harsh, but this is my blog & I can say what I like. If I can write about the good, I can write about the bad.

I would love to say screw you, screw bmx, screw dubstep, screw cherry ripe cheesecakes, screw sending you sh*t in the mail, screw this blog, screw everything. I can't really say it honestly though. I'm just so HURT. I'm not even angry at you, just so unbelievabley disappointed. I know there's more to it than meets the eye, but if you don't tell me, all I can do is speculate, and when I do that, I imagine the worst. Ta-dah!

I don't know what's going on with you, I can't when you don't talk to me. All I know is your not the person this blog is about, your not the guy that hung out with me at Cottesloe, not the guy that can make my heart melt. This guy is the one that makes me cry & scream and wonder where the hell I went wrong.

I hope this gets better, I don't know what I'll do otherwise. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me there's more to it, tell me anything to make this all go away.

X

I Know I Know I Know

From hundreds of miles, yeah, you cry like a baby.
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying.
I know I know I know, I'm still your love.
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake,
You laugh with me, shout, scream, now tell me you're staying.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Box after box and you're still by my side.
The weather is changing and breaking my stride.
Oh well I know I know I know, it's just this day.
House after house, just like car after car,
You see club after club, and it all seems so far.
I know I know I know, what else are we here for?
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

Last night I was writing about you,
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you.
I know I know I know, you're still my love.
I wake up to the sound of you working,
In one room right over, you're stressing and loving me.
I know I know I know, be still my love.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Stick your hands inside of my pockets,
Keep them warm while I'm still here.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.
Stick your heart inside of my chest,
Keep it warm here while we rest.
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too.
This love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Tegan + Sara