Written on 19.04.09 on the train.
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Catching the train to the city today. Something I only remember doing with you.
I still think of you more than I'd care to admit. You see, something you wouldn't know about me is I'm (or was) pretty heartless. I don't give a shit about a lot of things. Not a lot gets to me. Unless I'm being overemotional, then almost anything can get to me, but generally & for a long time, I was the heartless one. Tough skin, walls up, don't let anyone in, even with you. I thought, 'Nah, I'll be fine. He'll go home, I'll make sure he's ok & just get on with my life. I have loads of stuff to keep me busy.
Did I think about if things went backwards for you? Yeah, of course. But I convinced myself you'd be fine & it wouldn't be a big deal. Turns out is a big deal, you haven't gone backwards, you are fine & I don't have enough stuff to keep my mind off you.
On the way home now.
We ate some really good pancakes, like seriously good. M had black forest, cherries, chocolate pancakes & ice cream mmmm hehe, yes, I am just doing that to tease you.
It's funny, I love my friends, they're the reason I'm sane (they have no idea). Even still, after lunch (yeah, pancakes for lunch) we did a little shopping and you know what I thought every time I saw something nice? I could wear it in Europe, or I wonder if you would like this on me. Every shop, every item.
This was SOO warm... I think I'll get something similar to bring with me. What do you reckon? (Yeah, doesn't look so good in this photo, but it was kinda cute)
[photo removed for privacy]
I also got my nose fake pierced. Like it? I think I like it but I can just see out of the corner of my eye & it's quite a different look/sensation.
[photo removed for privacy]
My mind is strange, it convinces me of things that aren't true. Most times, my mind wins, because what my heart is saying isn't very convincing. But I keep coming back to you.
I know you're going to do this. I know I'm going to change the way I used to be, change the way I think. I'm going to let this happen. Because I love you and that hasn't lost it's meaning.
I'm probably more scared now, but this time I'm telling my mind to hush & I'm gonna give my heart the floor so it can say what it likes.
Life is about change. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's painful but most of the time, it's both. Just like now.
Train trip's almost over, so I gotta go. Can't wait to speak to you.
Love you.
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On reflection, this didn't make much sense, but since when did I ever make sense, right?
X
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