A lot happened that night.
After leaving the skate park, we still weren't ready to go home. I remember we munched on a few Starburst. Being with him, around him, made me nervous. Half a dozen lollies, sorry, sweets and I was full (it's why I never ate a lot around him). I don't know what he thought, but I was ill on the inside.
We discovered there's not a whole lot to do at ten30 at night, so we parked the car, and went for a walk around the little lake near his house. The sky was crystal clear and lit up with stars, except I think there were clouds on the horizon. I remember talking about storms & loving thunder. I remember pointing out the Southern Cross & Orion's belt.
He wore shorter socks with his jeans that night. It meant his ankles were exposed when we sat down. The next day he had a ring around each ankle where the mozzies had eaten him alive, they were so horrible to him.
This is the first time I remember him talking about 'then'. It was rather upsetting to hear what he'd been through, but also hard to comprehend because he really didn't seem like that guy. Thinking back now, we covered so much. He let me in to a part of him he didn't often share. You see, I'm used to people opening up to me, it's normal. That wasn't normal for him. It forced me to realise that even though he seemed fine with me, there was so much more to it than I could imagine.
Even at this early stage we talked about what he'd do when he'd go back. His mind set was already changing, and he was so clear he didn't want to go back to 'then' when he returned.
We sat on that bench for hours. By the time I got him home, I do believe it was about one am. We took up our spots on the couch and chatted some more. When I finally convinced myself I had to go, I could swear I saw a small flicker of disappointment in his eyes.
Needless to say, I got my hug.
X
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday was Worse
It feels like yesterday, you were just here, and I was thinking of ways to see you, to get in contact with you, without alerting the others.
I miss your hugs, I miss your conversation, I miss my sleepless nights, I miss playing with
It feels like a lifetime ago I met this quiet guy who kept me up at night, kept my mind occupied, that made me think and behave differently.
your hair, I miss your smile, I miss the way you look at me, I miss holding your hand like there
I'm going to stop feeling bad for thinking as seriously as I do. I don't give a shit. All I know is how I'm feeling, and I'd rather embrace that, than try to convince myself otherwise.
was no tomorrow, I miss biting your shoulder, I miss standing in your arms, and fitting
I want to walk in the door, put my keys down and hear your voice saying "You alright?" in that English way that means "How are you? How was your day?" I want to tell you it was "Mack, but it's alright now cause I'm home and you're here".
perfectly, I miss your smell, I miss you like you would not believe.
That's all I got today. This is so hard, hard to write, hard to read, hard to comprehend.
Set Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol. I was going to pick a couple lines, but the whole song fits.
X
I miss your hugs, I miss your conversation, I miss my sleepless nights, I miss playing with
It feels like a lifetime ago I met this quiet guy who kept me up at night, kept my mind occupied, that made me think and behave differently.
your hair, I miss your smile, I miss the way you look at me, I miss holding your hand like there
I'm going to stop feeling bad for thinking as seriously as I do. I don't give a shit. All I know is how I'm feeling, and I'd rather embrace that, than try to convince myself otherwise.
was no tomorrow, I miss biting your shoulder, I miss standing in your arms, and fitting
I want to walk in the door, put my keys down and hear your voice saying "You alright?" in that English way that means "How are you? How was your day?" I want to tell you it was "Mack, but it's alright now cause I'm home and you're here".
perfectly, I miss your smell, I miss you like you would not believe.
That's all I got today. This is so hard, hard to write, hard to read, hard to comprehend.
Set Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol. I was going to pick a couple lines, but the whole song fits.
X
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Yesterday was Bad
was really hard. I think I know why, but it was self inflicted so no pity party please.
X
X
Monday, April 27, 2009
One More Brew
BY HIM
I tend to drink lots of tea when I'm thinking about stuff.
So I've got this friend yeah, she's kinda rad.
Only problem is I love her.
She doesn't Liv far from me.
Only 8998 miles.
Not far much?
I've given this a lot of thought.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met.
She has done more for me than you could possibly imagine.
Only problem is I love her.
It's been four weeks and four days since I last got to hold her in my arms.
It has been the longest four weeks and four days of my life.
But strangely it might have been the best four weeks and four days of my life.
Can you guess why much?
It's fair to say that this friend of mine changed my life.
Well when I say changed my life what I really mean is gave me a life again.
Only problem is I love her.
I remember the first night I met this friend of mine.
I also remember the person I was that night.
Changed much?
I'm scared shitless.
I've never felt like this about someone ever.
I wonder if she knows
I'm not sure but I think some of the content on this blog might be about me in some way.
Only problem is I love her.
Have you ever tried loving someone on the other side of the world?
Well have you?
Harry much?
Written 26.04.09
X
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thirty5 Weeks
The x = days.
Cause I'm lame like that
P.S. Did I tell you I've got the hot bass player of a band? I have to be one of the luckiest girls alive. You should seem. Fucking. HOT!
X
P.S. Did I tell you I've got the hot bass player of a band? I have to be one of the luckiest girls alive. You should seem. Fucking. HOT!
X
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Do You Wanna
And I was hoping
That you had an atlas in your head
So fed up of the same old man
There's broken bedrooms and there are broken hands
You were so fed up of the same old broken man
(not so much this verse)
And do you wanna, do you wanna
Do you wanna make love to me
I know you wanna, I know you wanna
I know you wanna make love to me
Oh I came to tell you
That your my favourite girl
And would you like it if I put you into my world
There's broken hearts in basements
And broken love on the streets
You were so fed up of it all always involving me
(not this verse either)
But do you wanna, do you wanna
Do you wanna make love to me
I know you wanna, I know you wanna
I know you wanna make love to me
Do you want, do you want to
Do you wanna make love to me
(mainly the chorus really)
I know you want to babe
I know you want to
I know you want to make love to me
Do you wanna, do you wanna
Do you wanna make love to me
I know you wanna babe
I know you wanna
I know you wanna make love to me
(cause I'd kinda like it if you did)
Friday, April 24, 2009
I Got No Halo...
...it corroded about a week ago.
I wrote about this when it happened. Did you seriously give the girl you hardly know a ring? Yeah, I know, it's only a piece of string, so what. Do you know what that will do to a girl??
What were you thinking? I'm just curious.
P.S. Click the picture to be taken to a song that makes me think of you in a such a bad way, it's good.
X
What were you thinking? I'm just curious.
P.S. Click the picture to be taken to a song that makes me think of you in a such a bad way, it's good.
X
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Word Up Bumbaclart Part 1
We'd caught up a few times before we went out alone. There was the pub with family & the Retro Market & the outdoor cinema. By this stage, it was already the end of January & I believe I was a little smitten with my new friend.
That night we went to see Role Models. I thought it might be cool to get him out of the house & catch up. On picking him up, we soon realised I had no idea where I was going, *despite* the fact I'd gotten a map.
I remember us chatting endlessly & effortlessly. I remember trying my best not to talk during the movie. I remember individual popcorn combos, which neither of us finished. I remember Starburst, left uneaten, which I still have.
The movie didn't end too late & when we couldn't decide on dinner, we drove in the direction of where he was staying. Driving past a skate park, I couldn't not stop by. I followed as he walked around all the ramps & quarter pipes. I watched as he looked it over, rather impressed, I recall. He explained the differences in the types of concrete. He even planned routes he'd take if his bike was here. We both watched the guys on their skateboards.
His fun was the park. My fun was watching him be around what he loved, watching his face light up as he talked about it.
X
That night we went to see Role Models. I thought it might be cool to get him out of the house & catch up. On picking him up, we soon realised I had no idea where I was going, *despite* the fact I'd gotten a map.
I remember us chatting endlessly & effortlessly. I remember trying my best not to talk during the movie. I remember individual popcorn combos, which neither of us finished. I remember Starburst, left uneaten, which I still have.
The movie didn't end too late & when we couldn't decide on dinner, we drove in the direction of where he was staying. Driving past a skate park, I couldn't not stop by. I followed as he walked around all the ramps & quarter pipes. I watched as he looked it over, rather impressed, I recall. He explained the differences in the types of concrete. He even planned routes he'd take if his bike was here. We both watched the guys on their skateboards.
His fun was the park. My fun was watching him be around what he loved, watching his face light up as he talked about it.
X
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
(02<3/90 x) ... Define x
I have this friend right?
We're kinda close,
but not really.
You see, we were never meant to happen-
I was quite happy being single
and he wasn't here for long.
But somehow after each time we caught up
I'd get all girly with my friends
And we'd go back and forth
Trying to figure out whether there were signs
or if he was just being friendly.
There was never anything obvious
but there were some small signs;
The hugs at the end of the night
the not cutting his hair
the string
As soon as anyone else was around
things weren’t quite so clear:
we didn't talk so much
I didn't get that hug goodbye
But no, couldn't get involved
by this stage I'd been told not to
and there was nothing unclear about that.
I did very well I thought
followed all the rules, mostly
All I knew, regardless of how he felt,
was that I'd become attached to him.
We talked about how he’d be when he left
What he’d do when he went home
We had it all sorted
What I would do was never discussed
It was assumed I’d be okay
I did that. I assumed I’d be okay
You see, I didn’t think much of it
Yeah I liked him; it didn’t click just how much.
Two and a half weeks before he left,
I came clean. And so did he.
How? I slipped my hand into his
He didn’t let go.
Olie those last two lines are my favourites. I keep looking at them over and over and over. I love you. I wish you could hear me say that. It means more than you know.
X
We're kinda close,
but not really.
You see, we were never meant to happen-
I was quite happy being single
and he wasn't here for long.
But somehow after each time we caught up
I'd get all girly with my friends
And we'd go back and forth
Trying to figure out whether there were signs
or if he was just being friendly.
There was never anything obvious
but there were some small signs;
The hugs at the end of the night
the not cutting his hair
the string
As soon as anyone else was around
things weren’t quite so clear:
we didn't talk so much
I didn't get that hug goodbye
But no, couldn't get involved
by this stage I'd been told not to
and there was nothing unclear about that.
I did very well I thought
followed all the rules, mostly
All I knew, regardless of how he felt,
was that I'd become attached to him.
We talked about how he’d be when he left
What he’d do when he went home
We had it all sorted
What I would do was never discussed
It was assumed I’d be okay
I did that. I assumed I’d be okay
You see, I didn’t think much of it
Yeah I liked him; it didn’t click just how much.
Two and a half weeks before he left,
I came clean. And so did he.
How? I slipped my hand into his
He didn’t let go.
Olie those last two lines are my favourites. I keep looking at them over and over and over. I love you. I wish you could hear me say that. It means more than you know.
X
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
You Have 1 Missed Call
Yeah, that was me.... but you know that now.
Written on 19.04.09 on the train.
===============
Catching the train to the city today. Something I only remember doing with you.
I still think of you more than I'd care to admit. You see, something you wouldn't know about me is I'm (or was) pretty heartless. I don't give a shit about a lot of things. Not a lot gets to me. Unless I'm being overemotional, then almost anything can get to me, but generally & for a long time, I was the heartless one. Tough skin, walls up, don't let anyone in, even with you. I thought, 'Nah, I'll be fine. He'll go home, I'll make sure he's ok & just get on with my life. I have loads of stuff to keep me busy.
Did I think about if things went backwards for you? Yeah, of course. But I convinced myself you'd be fine & it wouldn't be a big deal. Turns out is a big deal, you haven't gone backwards, you are fine & I don't have enough stuff to keep my mind off you.
On the way home now.
We ate some really good pancakes, like seriously good. M had black forest, cherries, chocolate pancakes & ice cream mmmm hehe, yes, I am just doing that to tease you.
It's funny, I love my friends, they're the reason I'm sane (they have no idea). Even still, after lunch (yeah, pancakes for lunch) we did a little shopping and you know what I thought every time I saw something nice? I could wear it in Europe, or I wonder if you would like this on me. Every shop, every item.
This was SOO warm... I think I'll get something similar to bring with me. What do you reckon? (Yeah, doesn't look so good in this photo, but it was kinda cute)
I also got my nose fake pierced. Like it? I think I like it but I can just see out of the corner of my eye & it's quite a different look/sensation.
My mind is strange, it convinces me of things that aren't true. Most times, my mind wins, because what my heart is saying isn't very convincing. But I keep coming back to you.
I know you're going to do this. I know I'm going to change the way I used to be, change the way I think. I'm going to let this happen. Because I love you and that hasn't lost it's meaning.
I'm probably more scared now, but this time I'm telling my mind to hush & I'm gonna give my heart the floor so it can say what it likes.
Life is about change. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's painful but most of the time, it's both. Just like now.
Train trip's almost over, so I gotta go. Can't wait to speak to you.
Love you.
===============
On reflection, this didn't make much sense, but since when did I ever make sense, right?
X
Written on 19.04.09 on the train.
===============
Catching the train to the city today. Something I only remember doing with you.
I still think of you more than I'd care to admit. You see, something you wouldn't know about me is I'm (or was) pretty heartless. I don't give a shit about a lot of things. Not a lot gets to me. Unless I'm being overemotional, then almost anything can get to me, but generally & for a long time, I was the heartless one. Tough skin, walls up, don't let anyone in, even with you. I thought, 'Nah, I'll be fine. He'll go home, I'll make sure he's ok & just get on with my life. I have loads of stuff to keep me busy.
Did I think about if things went backwards for you? Yeah, of course. But I convinced myself you'd be fine & it wouldn't be a big deal. Turns out is a big deal, you haven't gone backwards, you are fine & I don't have enough stuff to keep my mind off you.
On the way home now.
We ate some really good pancakes, like seriously good. M had black forest, cherries, chocolate pancakes & ice cream mmmm hehe, yes, I am just doing that to tease you.
It's funny, I love my friends, they're the reason I'm sane (they have no idea). Even still, after lunch (yeah, pancakes for lunch) we did a little shopping and you know what I thought every time I saw something nice? I could wear it in Europe, or I wonder if you would like this on me. Every shop, every item.
This was SOO warm... I think I'll get something similar to bring with me. What do you reckon? (Yeah, doesn't look so good in this photo, but it was kinda cute)
[photo removed for privacy]
I also got my nose fake pierced. Like it? I think I like it but I can just see out of the corner of my eye & it's quite a different look/sensation.
[photo removed for privacy]
My mind is strange, it convinces me of things that aren't true. Most times, my mind wins, because what my heart is saying isn't very convincing. But I keep coming back to you.
I know you're going to do this. I know I'm going to change the way I used to be, change the way I think. I'm going to let this happen. Because I love you and that hasn't lost it's meaning.
I'm probably more scared now, but this time I'm telling my mind to hush & I'm gonna give my heart the floor so it can say what it likes.
Life is about change. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's painful but most of the time, it's both. Just like now.
Train trip's almost over, so I gotta go. Can't wait to speak to you.
Love you.
===============
On reflection, this didn't make much sense, but since when did I ever make sense, right?
X
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thirty6 Weeks
I remember you once said that. I didn't forget.
X
Three weeks down! Thirty6 to go. This one's not so tough to read. You start your new job tomorrow. Hope you have a fantastic time, do great & learn loads.
X
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Gap
So put a spanner in the works, if you're mine
It's easier to work, but I don't mind,
You're better in defeat so, just don't try
To take away all the things I'll do in my life.
I have to break down all the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see?
Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.
But don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Well leave your lover now, it's your turn.
And see your mother now, I hope she's okay.
You're better in defeat so, let's not try
To take away all the things I'll do in our lives.
I have to break down all the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see? Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.
But don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
All of my life, trying to understand.
All of my life, trying to hold a hand.
I have to break down all, the corners of this world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see? Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I love you.
That's true
The Kooks
You're better in defeat so, just don't try
To take away all the things I'll do in my life.
I have to break down all the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see?
Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.
But don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Well leave your lover now, it's your turn.
And see your mother now, I hope she's okay.
You're better in defeat so, let's not try
To take away all the things I'll do in our lives.
I have to break down all the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see? Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.
But don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love, I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
All of my life, trying to understand.
All of my life, trying to hold a hand.
I have to break down all, the corners of this world.
Don't heap this praise on me, I know I don't deserve it.
But what's so this I see? Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I love you.
That's true
The Kooks
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I Knew It
I got to speak to you yesterday. Pretty sure I told you everything I'd emailed you in the mean time. Oh well. I feel a little bad, like I'm invading your space. Not sure how that works when we're 14,467 kilometres apart, but that's what I feel like. I apologise if I am, just tell me to leave you be.
Needless to say it was nice to hear your voice. Sorry for worrying you though.
I love you.
Simple as that.
I'm going to do a very typical *Liv* thing, I don't like that I do it, but it's for my own validation. I'm sorry.
X
Needless to say it was nice to hear your voice. Sorry for worrying you though.
I love you.
Simple as that.
I'm going to do a very typical *Liv* thing, I don't like that I do it, but it's for my own validation. I'm sorry.
X
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
First 'Date'
I do recall that our first outing was to the outdoor cinema to see Gone Baby Gone. We were there with M & her cousin, D who I'd met only once before.
When I picked him up, he was in shorts & was bringing an extra shirt. I thought he'd freeze, but I suppose he's used to the cold because I don't recall it phasing him too much. Maybe it was the rugs that M brought to keep us warm.
We all talked before the movie and stuffed ourselves with chocolate panettone, it was that night I realised his love/obsession for anything sweet. I left him with D, hoping they'd get along, while M and I waited in line for food. We made a very cute, cultured group I thought.
M & I are a pretty cuddly pair, so during the movie we had the blanket over us and him (it's a pretty big blanket). We discovered he was ticklish and made sure to take advantage of it. Any excuse to get my hands on him, you know how it is. Whether it was obvious or not I don't know.
There was something there that night though. I can't say I know exactly what it was, but I could feel it. I wanted to lie on him, like couples do, rest my head on his chest & watch the movie from there.
I didn't.
He'd told me earlier, the first, maybe second night I saw him, that he's a softy when it comes to movies. So when the movie ended, (he was lying, I was sitting) I turned to him, put my hand on his chest & asked if he wanted a tissue, just to take the mickey. He held my arm & gave me a response I can't remember. All I could think about was the fact he was holding my arm. Clearly, I never forgot that.
The night didn't end there. The night never ended there. There was always a couch component. By the time I got him home, it was getting towards midnight & I was tired. He asked me in for a glass of water, to at least wake up a little bit before driving myself home.
We talked for ages, I can't remember what about, the nights blur & my memory's not so good. I do remember he mentioned something about his hair, it was long & it's quite thick, so of course I used that as an excuse to play with it. I knew I was pushing my luck but he didn't tell me to stop. He just tilted his head like a cat & went silent.
I wore my maxi dress that night, I remember he played with the hem while we were silent on the couch.
When it got to one30 or two in the morning I had to get going. This meant saying 'bye. How was I supposed to do that? Was it a handshake, was it a short hug & kiss on the cheek? I had no idea.
It was a hug. A long one. And one that fit perfectly. My arms around his body, my face in his neck, soaking him in. I ended up looking forward to those, the moments on the couch, the long hugs goodbye. It was the only time I was allowed to get close to him.
That was the first of many two in the morning nights. I loved every one.
X
When I picked him up, he was in shorts & was bringing an extra shirt. I thought he'd freeze, but I suppose he's used to the cold because I don't recall it phasing him too much. Maybe it was the rugs that M brought to keep us warm.
We all talked before the movie and stuffed ourselves with chocolate panettone, it was that night I realised his love/obsession for anything sweet. I left him with D, hoping they'd get along, while M and I waited in line for food. We made a very cute, cultured group I thought.
M & I are a pretty cuddly pair, so during the movie we had the blanket over us and him (it's a pretty big blanket). We discovered he was ticklish and made sure to take advantage of it. Any excuse to get my hands on him, you know how it is. Whether it was obvious or not I don't know.
There was something there that night though. I can't say I know exactly what it was, but I could feel it. I wanted to lie on him, like couples do, rest my head on his chest & watch the movie from there.
I didn't.
He'd told me earlier, the first, maybe second night I saw him, that he's a softy when it comes to movies. So when the movie ended, (he was lying, I was sitting) I turned to him, put my hand on his chest & asked if he wanted a tissue, just to take the mickey. He held my arm & gave me a response I can't remember. All I could think about was the fact he was holding my arm. Clearly, I never forgot that.
The night didn't end there. The night never ended there. There was always a couch component. By the time I got him home, it was getting towards midnight & I was tired. He asked me in for a glass of water, to at least wake up a little bit before driving myself home.
We talked for ages, I can't remember what about, the nights blur & my memory's not so good. I do remember he mentioned something about his hair, it was long & it's quite thick, so of course I used that as an excuse to play with it. I knew I was pushing my luck but he didn't tell me to stop. He just tilted his head like a cat & went silent.
I wore my maxi dress that night, I remember he played with the hem while we were silent on the couch.
When it got to one30 or two in the morning I had to get going. This meant saying 'bye. How was I supposed to do that? Was it a handshake, was it a short hug & kiss on the cheek? I had no idea.
It was a hug. A long one. And one that fit perfectly. My arms around his body, my face in his neck, soaking him in. I ended up looking forward to those, the moments on the couch, the long hugs goodbye. It was the only time I was allowed to get close to him.
That was the first of many two in the morning nights. I loved every one.
X
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A Reminder of You
Guess what I saw in the city on the weekend?
A guy wearing one of your hats.
Yuh huh! I even checked the back to see if it was a real one or a copy. It was a real one...
Just cause I'm lame like that.
X
A guy wearing one of your hats.
Yuh huh! I even checked the back to see if it was a real one or a copy. It was a real one...
Just cause I'm lame like that.
X
Monday, April 13, 2009
Got It In One
Excerpt from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan
"You know what it's all about?"
"What what's all about?"
"It. What it's all about."
"No."
"The Beatles."
"What about the Beatles?"
"They nailed it."
"Nailed what?"
"Everything."
"What do you mean?"
Dev takes his arm and puts it right against mine, skin to skin, sweat on sweat, touch on touch. The he glides his hand into mine and intertwines our fingers.
"This, he says. This is why The Beatles got it."
"I'm afraid I'm not following. . ."
"Other bands it's about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?"
"What?"
" 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful love song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. Trust me. I've thought a lot about this."
Because that first night I held your hand. I was in heaven.
X
"You know what it's all about?"
"What what's all about?"
"It. What it's all about."
"No."
"The Beatles."
"What about the Beatles?"
"They nailed it."
"Nailed what?"
"Everything."
"What do you mean?"
Dev takes his arm and puts it right against mine, skin to skin, sweat on sweat, touch on touch. The he glides his hand into mine and intertwines our fingers.
"This, he says. This is why The Beatles got it."
"I'm afraid I'm not following. . ."
"Other bands it's about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?"
"What?"
" 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful love song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. Trust me. I've thought a lot about this."
Because that first night I held your hand. I was in heaven.
X
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Thirty7 Weeks
Written on 11.04.09 on the bus on the way home.
===============
I went into the city today. It's not a place I visit often. Every street held a memory, or memories I should say. The busker in Forrest Chase, Bocelli's, the main square, full of potential bike tricks, the coffee shop we sat at for iced tea, the souvenir store that only sold 'useless' things. The record store, the clothes shop, London Court. It's never ending really.
I remember holding your hand. I couldn't get close enough to you. Just the thought that I had to soak up as much of you as possible because the months to come would rely on me being able to bring back those memories, those feelings.
My phone went off this morning, I thought it was M so I didn't check it straight away. It was probably an hour before I did and I saw your name, under your picture on the screen.
Boom. Skip. Boom.
I'm guessing you were out drinking with your mates. I wonder if I'm right. If I am then my smile will no doubt have gotten a lot bigger. Even when you're busy you still think of me.
I suppose when you left, as much as you care about me, your life there will get busier and you won't have the time to think about me. Between riding, work, friends and family, I have to take a back seat. Eventually, I still think that will happen. I'm kinda hoping it doesn't.
I'm hoping that these next 35 weeks apart do us both some good. We can both get our lives sorted, so that when December comes around, we both know exactly what we want.
It feels like you've been gone ages but God I love Skype. I don't know how we'd be if we didn't have it.
I'm so excited for you and your new job. It's awesome and I really can't stop grinning like a fool when I think about it.
You're full of surprises, sometimes I'm convinced one thing will happen and it never does.
In some ways you're the same guy I met NYE last year, you're still you, you're still gorgeous and you still second guess yourself but in so many more ways you're not that guy.
People talk about just knowing. I think I know what they mean.
===============
This is getting easier. But it still hurts.
X
===============
I went into the city today. It's not a place I visit often. Every street held a memory, or memories I should say. The busker in Forrest Chase, Bocelli's, the main square, full of potential bike tricks, the coffee shop we sat at for iced tea, the souvenir store that only sold 'useless' things. The record store, the clothes shop, London Court. It's never ending really.
I remember holding your hand. I couldn't get close enough to you. Just the thought that I had to soak up as much of you as possible because the months to come would rely on me being able to bring back those memories, those feelings.
My phone went off this morning, I thought it was M so I didn't check it straight away. It was probably an hour before I did and I saw your name, under your picture on the screen.
Boom. Skip. Boom.
I'm guessing you were out drinking with your mates. I wonder if I'm right. If I am then my smile will no doubt have gotten a lot bigger. Even when you're busy you still think of me.
I suppose when you left, as much as you care about me, your life there will get busier and you won't have the time to think about me. Between riding, work, friends and family, I have to take a back seat. Eventually, I still think that will happen. I'm kinda hoping it doesn't.
I'm hoping that these next 35 weeks apart do us both some good. We can both get our lives sorted, so that when December comes around, we both know exactly what we want.
It feels like you've been gone ages but God I love Skype. I don't know how we'd be if we didn't have it.
I'm so excited for you and your new job. It's awesome and I really can't stop grinning like a fool when I think about it.
You're full of surprises, sometimes I'm convinced one thing will happen and it never does.
In some ways you're the same guy I met NYE last year, you're still you, you're still gorgeous and you still second guess yourself but in so many more ways you're not that guy.
People talk about just knowing. I think I know what they mean.
===============
This is getting easier. But it still hurts.
X
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Love is Strange
Love, love is strange, lot of people take it for a game
Once you get it, you'll never wanna quit (no, no)
After you've had it (yeah, yeah)
You're in an awful fix
Many people, don't understand (no, no)
They think loving (yeah, yeah)
Is money in the hand, your sweet loving
Is better than a kiss, when you leave me
Sweet kisses I miss
MICKEY
Silvia...
SILVIA
Yes Mickey?
MICKEY
How do you call your loverboy?
SILVIA
Come 'ere loverboy!!
MICKEY
And if he doesn't answer?
SILVIA
Ohh loverboy!
MICKEY
And if he STILL doesn't answer?
SILVIA
I simply say Baby, Oohh baby
My sweet baby
You're the one
TOGETHER
Baby, Oohh baby
My sweet baby
You're the one
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
That's What He Said
"I lost my job today, because I was late. Because some English twat kept me up all night.
The only part of the above that is untrue is that first sentence.
Don't you love it when you just have one of those times which makes you feel on top of the world?"
I wrote that Friday, March 13, I never elaborated and it never got posted. I came across it just yesterday while cleaning up my Drafts. He'd given me that first line the previous night, told me to use it as a post title.
Somehow, no matter my intentions to get him home at a decent hour it always ended up being 2 in the morning before we parted company. By that stage we were tired, yawning and our conversations were little bursts and probably incoherent, but that was ok by us.
The night before was one I will never forget. I will write of it, eventually, but we're not quite there yet.
X
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sophie Ward
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
A friend wrote this on my FaceSpace, it made her think of me.
It makes me think of you.
X
Monday, April 6, 2009
Scary
"When you say, "I love you"to someone,
no matter how special &
beautiful it seems at the time,
that word has weight to it.
It means that you love them
when they’re ugly.
When they’re sad.
When they scream at you
for something you didn’t even do.
You can’t stop loving them then.
Are you ready for that?
Are you honestly,
truly, 250% ready?"
found here
Are you?
X
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Thirty8 Weeks
You left a week ago today. I've been sending you multiple emails a day, to the point where I'm now annoying myself. I will eventually stop with all that, you just have to bear with me in the mean time.
I can't believe it's only been a week, it feels like its been far longer than that. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, but it's also not as easy as I thought it would be. That's a complete contradiction isn't it. Putting it simply - I'm not a basket case, I make it through each day without any tears, but if my mind's not occupied by something else, it always goes back to you (*gag*).
As gay as it sounds, I think about you LOADS, sometimes I just want to let you know that I've thought of you. That feeling of "I want to tell him" is really strong & while sometimes I fight it, other times I just can't be bothered. I'd hate to leave anything unsaid. Other times I just think of something I want to tell you & don't want to wait.
I told you M put these up for me.
She's been perfect.
Our first Skype experience was a little strange, but great all the same. I'm sure we'll get the hang of it eventually.
I have so much more I want to write but the words aren't coming today. I'm second guessing myself again. Not wanting to come across like a complete fruit loop, although I'm pretty sure you've figured that out already. I'm not usually like this, I make far more sense & can write a clear, succinct post. So just this once... I think it is your fault. =)
X
I can't believe it's only been a week, it feels like its been far longer than that. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, but it's also not as easy as I thought it would be. That's a complete contradiction isn't it. Putting it simply - I'm not a basket case, I make it through each day without any tears, but if my mind's not occupied by something else, it always goes back to you (*gag*).
As gay as it sounds, I think about you LOADS, sometimes I just want to let you know that I've thought of you. That feeling of "I want to tell him" is really strong & while sometimes I fight it, other times I just can't be bothered. I'd hate to leave anything unsaid. Other times I just think of something I want to tell you & don't want to wait.
I told you M put these up for me.She's been perfect.
Our first Skype experience was a little strange, but great all the same. I'm sure we'll get the hang of it eventually.
I have so much more I want to write but the words aren't coming today. I'm second guessing myself again. Not wanting to come across like a complete fruit loop, although I'm pretty sure you've figured that out already. I'm not usually like this, I make far more sense & can write a clear, succinct post. So just this once... I think it is your fault. =)
X
Saturday, April 4, 2009
No You Girls
Ooh kiss me
Lick your cigarette then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your mind won't kiss me
Lick your eyes and mine and then hit me
Hit me with your eyes so sweetly
Oh you know, you know, you know that yes I love
I mean I'd love to get to know you
Do you never wonder?
NoNo no no you girls never know
Oh no you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy
Oh kiss me
Lick your cigarette then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your eye won't lick me
Lick your mind and mine so briefly
Oh you know, you know you're so sweetly
Oh you know, you knowt I know that I love you
I mean I, I mean I need to love
Do you never wonder?
NoNo no no you girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy
Sometimes I say stupid things
That I think weell, I mean I
Sometimes I think the stupidest things
Because I never wonder
Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
No you boys never care
Oh no you boys never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels
Lick your cigarette then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your mind won't kiss me
Lick your eyes and mine and then hit me
Hit me with your eyes so sweetly
Oh you know, you know, you know that yes I love
I mean I'd love to get to know you
Do you never wonder?
NoNo no no you girls never know
Oh no you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy
Oh kiss me
Lick your cigarette then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your eye won't lick me
Lick your mind and mine so briefly
Oh you know, you know you're so sweetly
Oh you know, you knowt I know that I love you
I mean I, I mean I need to love
Do you never wonder?
NoNo no no you girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy
Sometimes I say stupid things
That I think weell, I mean I
Sometimes I think the stupidest things
Because I never wonder
Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
No you boys never care
Oh no you boys never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels
No you boys never care
You dirty boys never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
You dirty boys never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels
Friday, April 3, 2009
Surprise #?
I've lost track of how many so called surprises I've had for you. This is my favourite... so far.
At the end of my birthday, when everyone had left, I really wanted to talk to you . I wanted to show you everything. What I wore, my mask, my presents, the whole bit.
I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn't do that so Minty was nice enough to hold a camera while I talked endlessly about a whole lot of not a lot.
We've been in contact since, but I still wanted you to see this.
I hope this works.
X
At the end of my birthday, when everyone had left, I really wanted to talk to you . I wanted to show you everything. What I wore, my mask, my presents, the whole bit.
I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn't do that so Minty was nice enough to hold a camera while I talked endlessly about a whole lot of not a lot.
We've been in contact since, but I still wanted you to see this.
I hope this works.
X
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Her First Encounter
When I found out he was coming to Australia & was about my age, I decided to add him as a friend on Facebook. I intended it as a way to get to know someone here before they arrived. Besides, he was a bit hot and that's always a plus. (My selfish side thought it'd be cool to have the hot foreign friend.) I have to say the thought was there, in the back of my mind, that something might happen, but it wasn't a very serious one. Kinda like Grease… Summer love and all that?
I was aware of the fact that there was more to his coming here than just a 3 month holiday, I just didn't think much of it at the time.
Our first encounter was a New Years Eve party. He’d just flown in that day and I remember it was a really warm Australian evening. I was so curious as to who this guy was, what he was like, how he talked (you’ve got to love the accent). Fighting my own curiosity I tried not to bombard him with questions.
We got along well, he was happy to talk, ask questions & tell stories with the rest of them. Our conversation was never forced, we flowed in and out of the circles that formed during the night and just got to know each other a little better.
I don't recall anything too profound happening, no huge fireworks, no kiss at midnight, just the thought that he was damn hot & how cool it would be if we got together.
X
I was aware of the fact that there was more to his coming here than just a 3 month holiday, I just didn't think much of it at the time.
Our first encounter was a New Years Eve party. He’d just flown in that day and I remember it was a really warm Australian evening. I was so curious as to who this guy was, what he was like, how he talked (you’ve got to love the accent). Fighting my own curiosity I tried not to bombard him with questions.
We got along well, he was happy to talk, ask questions & tell stories with the rest of them. Our conversation was never forced, we flowed in and out of the circles that formed during the night and just got to know each other a little better.
I don't recall anything too profound happening, no huge fireworks, no kiss at midnight, just the thought that he was damn hot & how cool it would be if we got together.
X
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Surprise #3
I wrote this one earlier in March. I didn't think too long about it. I didn't have to. Like you said, the words just flow...
(06/03/2009)
It's a sideways glance.
The down turned eyes. <<this happened at the wedding SO many times
It's that sudden stop of your heart.
When they walk in the door. <<when I was waiting for you
The short message.
Turning you into the Cheshire Cat. <<everytime I got an email
It's the comfortable silence. <<driving around town
The long hug goodnight. <<you know exactly how I felt about these
It's the butterflies you get.
When you know they'll be there.
The tiny inside smile.
That finds it's way onto your face. <<so many times at work
It's evenings spent talking about nothing.
Feeling like you could conquer the world.
The endless hours.
That are nowhere near enough.
It's that pounding noise.
It's the deathly silence.
It's what makes your heart stop.
It's what you do to me
X
(06/03/2009)
It's a sideways glance.
The down turned eyes. <<this happened at the wedding SO many times
It's that sudden stop of your heart.
When they walk in the door. <<when I was waiting for you
The short message.
Turning you into the Cheshire Cat. <<everytime I got an email
It's the comfortable silence. <<driving around town
The long hug goodnight. <<you know exactly how I felt about these
It's the butterflies you get.
When you know they'll be there.
The tiny inside smile.
That finds it's way onto your face. <<so many times at work
It's evenings spent talking about nothing.
Feeling like you could conquer the world.
The endless hours.
That are nowhere near enough.
It's that pounding noise.
It's the deathly silence.
It's what makes your heart stop.
It's what you do to me
X
